Speak For Once

I want to share one of my favorite poems - probably my most favorite poem.

I recently found it in a box of mementos from my past. I was introduced to this poem by a professor - the first professor I ever had. And he gave it to me (as well as the rest of our class) before our very first college final. Every time I come to it, I feel that it speaks to my core - the center of who I am. You could say that reading this poem reminds me of who I am. Enjoy.

"In the evening we shall be examined on love" (-St. John of the Cross)
And it won't be multiple choice,
though some of us would prefer it that way.
Neither will it be essay, which tempts us to run on
when we should be sticking to the point, if not together.
In the evening there shall be implications
our fear will change to complications. No cheating,
we'll be told, and we'll try to figure the cost of being true
to ourselves. In the evening when the sky has turned
that certain blue, blue of exam books, blue of no more
daily evasions, we shall climb the hill as the light empties
and park our tired bodies on a bench above the city
and try to fill in the blanks. And we won't be tested
like defendants on trial, cross-examined
till one of us breaks down, guilty as charged. No,
in the evening, after the day has refused to testify,
we shall be examined on love like students
who don't even recall signing up for the course
and now must take their orals, forced to speak for once
from the heart and not off the top of their heads.
And when the evening is over and it's late,
the student body asleep, even the great teachers
retired for the night, we shall stay up
and run back over the questions, each in out own way:
what's true, what's false, what unknown quantity
will balance the equation, what it would mean years from no
to look back and know
we did not fail.

-T. Centolella

Lessons on Flirting: aka Getting What You Want. How do I do that again?

How do you woo a city?

I love Austin. She's beautiful, young, hip, fresh, and affordable. She's got a great sound, a fun scene, and a beautiful landscape. Yet she does have one flaw... she doesn't love me back.

If I had to give the summer so far a theme, I would title it "Unrequited love: the sickness of loving that which will not love you back." I have found the place I want to be, but it doesn't seem this place wants me.

Since moving in May, I've probably applied to four jobs a week, give or take. How many have I heard back from? Two. How many have I received interviews for? One.

I have made great friends and have had a lot of fun, but can't seem to find the job necessary to keep the fun going - to make the money necessary to live.

So now I must resort to wooing the city. Call me arrogant, but I thought my love for Austin would be enough. I'm completely smitten. I'm happier than I've ever been in any location! I feel at home, like I could live here forever. But how come I haven't found a place for me yet? Why is Austin playing so hard to get? Has she been used and abused too much before? She is one of those popular girls - everyone loves her. Many come here hoping and dreaming to make it big....I wonder how many she turns away. I hope I'm not one of them, but it's the signal I'm starting to pick up on.

I recently traveled home to San Diego and had the most wonderful time I've ever had there. After my stay of 10 days, I can say that I was not ready to leave. Normally I can't take more than a week at home before I feel like I need to get out of there and back to my real "life." But this time when I left San Diego, I was sad, tired, almost in a haze. And when my plane landed in Austin, I felt that sense of rejection all over again, and longed for sunny soCal where my friends love me and want me there to hang out with, watch their babies, coach their basketball teams, and lead their youth at church. I wanted to be back in the arms of the city who loves me.

But aren't there more jobs out in the heartland? Isn't Austin one of the best cities for working young adults? Yes. But just because there are more jobs, doesn't necessarily mean I will acquire one of them.

So, I ask you, my fellow readers. How can I woo this city?

My friend Ted told me that I like to woo and have a history of wooing people. And to this I will say that's the Kelsie of the past. The Kelsie of the present likes to be wooed. I like to be chased, pursued, fought for. I tend to think that my love should be enough - an act of reciprocated feelings and devotion. So I'm rather out of my element here in Austin. How do I do this flirting thing again? How do I flash a bright smile, tilt my head, and ask the city where she likes to have fun? How do I find what she's looking for and show her I have even more than she desires: I have what she needs?

If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it. Otherwise, this Kelsie might just be packing her bags and heading home to the good California lovin' that's emanating from the west.