Tiny Fidelity

November has come and gone, 
December's nearly half-way through, 
and still I have not written 
an updated new post for you.
So I will sit in my chair, 
with my warm cup 'o joe
and tell you all 
what I've recently come to know:
Life is so precious, so short, so
beautiful.
Pursue humility, fidelity, and 
simplicity.
Seek not your own glory,
but rather the glory from above.
And most importantly,
surrender your life to a 
work 
   of 
     love.

I choose to always have some sort of devotional book I turn to randomly throughout my day, and the book I have been (re)reading recently is No Greater Love, a collection of Mother Teresa's wise sayings.


I became an admirer of Mother Teresa in high school after seeing a quote of hers on a peer counseling t-shirt at school: "If you judge others, you have no time to love them." 


After looking up more of her famous quotes, I came to believe following Christ is a generous, gentle, and humble enterprise.  Our leadership teams for FCA and First Priority took on another of Mother Teresa's sayings as one of our focuses in serving students: "I pay no attention to numbers; what matters is the people. I rely on one. There is only one: Jesus."


I bought No Greater Love when I was in college and read it prior to my service trip to Ukraine in the summer of 2006.  I loved it then and felt deeply convicted, moved, and challenged by it, but since returning home to the U.S. have simply kept it on my bookshelf.


I pulled it out this past month because I was feeling rather weak and insecure in my faith, and I had gone to a concert where the musician has stated, "God will never call you to something you can do without Him, but He will never call you to something he will not be with you in."  I had remembered from my first read of No Greater Love that Mother Teresa considered herself very small, little, and insignificant - and she believed this is why God used her in such powerful ways, because she was so weak.  It reminds me of the words of Paul: "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me...For when I am weak, then I am strong."


Mother Teresa spoke so often of love, and her words are so tender.  Her mission was to show people love, and all she speaks of is loving Christ and loving the poor - the poor in love.  I have been most strikingly hit by her comments on fully giving ourselves to doing little things, giving so much of ourselves that we suffer pain.  She claims that all things are little, yet infinite to God.  I have been meditating on this idea and rereading these words of hers:


"Always be faithful in little things, for in them our strength lies. To God nothing is little. He cannot make anything small; they are infinite. Practice fidelity in the least things, not for their own sake, but for the sake of the great thing that is the will of God, and which I respect greatly.

Do not pursue spectacular deeds. We must deliberately renounce all desires to see the fruit of our labor, doing all we can as best we can, leaving the rest in the hands of God. What matters is the gift of your self, the degree of love that you put into each one of your actions.

Do not allow yourselves to be disheartened by any failure as long as you have done your best. Neither glory in your success, but refer all to God in deep thankfulness.

If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. The Lord has willed me where I am. He will offer a solution.


When we handle the sick and the needy we touch the suffering body of Christ and this touch will make us heroic; it will make us forget the repugnance and the natural tendencies in us. We need the eyes of deep faith to see Christ in the broken body and dirty clothes under which the most beautiful one among the sons of men hides. We shall need the hands of Christ to touch these bodies wounded by pain and suffering. Intense love does not measure -- it just gives" (30-31).


I have been most strongly struck by the words I have bolded.  I see that I have been down on myself lately and feeling frustrated or depressed because I am trying to do work from my own power, and I have been failing.  I have been focusing on the spectacular deeds and my inability to carry them out.  I have been forgetting that the life of a Christian is a life of humility that comes through humiliation.  If I serve Christ with all my heart, then nothing is to be wounded except for my pride, which must be not only wounded, but killed.  I feel convicted to stop measuring, and be generous in what I give, faithfully and humbly loving those in need.  


"In the evening we shall be judged by love" (Saint John of the Cross), and it won't be our spectacular deeds, but rather our dependency on Christ and his love that will save us.


So I am attempting to put this into practice, and give love rather than measure it, and gladly accept humiliation and weakness, and turn to Christ in faith and humility rather than to myself in shame and discouragement.


May we all practice this discipline of giving and experience a fulfilling life of love, which is itself joy: abundant with mercy, praise, and thanksgiving.

Help raise money for Camfed --->

I chose to place this "SocialVibe" ad on my blog to provide a really easy and fun way to raise money for a good cause.  Click on the bottom of the ad (where it says "click here") and write an encouraging note or funny short story (through an interactive game/tool) and raise money for Camfed, an organization that provides education to girls in Africa.  I just did two of them - they are fun!

Rested, burden-free, and liberated in the yoke of Christ.

I want to write because I have all sorts of thoughts and emotions sprawling over each other inside of my heart and I just can't keep them in any longer.

I came back today from San Diego with a heavy heart.  I know San Diego is not the place for me to be living right now, but I feel terrible for my friends and family who are living there.  Work is extremely rare to come by for them and life living at home with parents seems tense and dissatisfying.  I try to tell my friends that they should move out here, where we have more jobs and a lower cost of living, but I know they don't want to leave CA.  My younger brother is going through various health issues that keep adding up, and even with insurance my parents have to pay a pretty hefty fee.  My mom's job is frustrating, as well as my older brother's, and my dad's bank is merging with another to help "keep things going."  But more than the work and living situations weighing my friends and family down, what was harder to handle for me was dealing with relationships: hearing about the relationships my friends and family find themselves in as well as confronting characteristics of my relationship with them. I was told many things that were difficult to hear and I was placed in situations where it was difficult for me to give my honest opinion.

I have realized recently about myself that when it comes to the people I love the most, I become extremely passive and reserved about sharing my honest feelings.  I do not know why, but it is extremely difficult for me to stand up for myself when being placed in uncomfortable and inappropriate situations.  I often do not find courage to tell people I feel uncomfortable or hurt by what they have told me, and instead of speaking out I clam up and ruminate over what has been said - as if thinking about it and analyzing the words will help me get over them?

Coming home to OK, sitting on my couch writing, I feel guilty that I have left my friends and family - that I'm not there to support and help them.  I feel as if I have abandoned them.  And I feel guilty that things are going so well for me out here, and that I don't miss home or living in San Diego.  I have always had an issue with guilt and feeling responsible for other people's actions/life circumstances (perhaps it's the middle child syndrome?) even when it's out of my control, so when I got back here to OK I told myself I shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for their lives, but still I feel overwhelmed with their unhappiness and want to do something (if I can) to help.  I came back here with a huge burden and prayer from my heart, asking God what I should do - what is my responsibility as a Christian in the lives of my family and friends?  I confessed to being a poor friend/family member and began looking for an answer as to what I need to be doing differently to change this situation.  What do I need to give up or sacrifice?

I also felt burdened about whether or not I should confront my friends and family about decisions they are making and how they are including me in them.  Should I confront them about communication patterns I am personally hurt by and feel placed in an awkward position by?  I have never done this before and the thought of it is extremely scary and I am afraid I don't have what it takes to be honest.  I want to run away and pretend problems aren't there, or hope someone else will say something that will cause my loved one to change, saving me the confrontation.

I wasn't able to make it to church on Sunday when I was in SD over the weekend, and after coming back home here and feeling super discouraged, I thought a sermon might help me see my situation from a better, more well-rounded and hopeful perspective.  I listened to Pastor Doug's sermon on the GVC website.  He preached on Matthew 11, where Jesus calls people to come to him if they are weary and heavy laden.  Jesus offers rest for the weary, and he promises a yoke (or teaching) that is easy and light.  Pastor Doug breaks down what is meant by "easy" in explaining it to mean "well-fitting."  Essentially, Jesus' teaching is easy because it is custom fit to who we are.  It reminds me of C.S. Lewis' comment in Mere Christianity about how Christ calls us to give up all that we are in surrender to him (which is difficult), but in the process of giving our entire self up, we actually end up receiving our self back - but not the same self we gave away.  We receive an even better, more truthful self than we had ever experienced before or dreamed we could be.

The truth is, God knows us better than we know ourselves, and he knows what is best for us (better than what we could even dream for ourselves).  And though being a follower of Christ isn't necessarily "easy" (surrendering patterns and objects and people who keep us in control or comfortable or fitting in), I do believe it to be the best possible life we can have.

Part of following Christ and his teaching is speaking the truth in love to others and sharing truth with them (bringing things into the light).  Christ challenges us to confront those who have hurt us, and then forgive them for their wrongs.  Essentially, I take this to mean that we are to be honest with others about how their words and actions make us feel and how their actions and words affect our relationship with them.  I believe we are meant to do this because it causes us to enter into a more transparent and open relationship with people instead of holding back, shutting down, or running away (all of which I am way better at doing than being transparent).  It also is how we learn to love.  If a friend of mine or family member never tells me that I hurt them when I do x, y, or say z, then how am I to learn how to treat them well and not harm them?  It is the same in dealing with our loved ones when they hurt us.

So, though my initial response to my trip home was a feeling of guilt that I thought would only be taken away by prayer and sacrifice to make myself right with God, I feel after reading Matthew 11 that Jesus takes away our burdens of guilt and helplessness and enables us with a teaching that encourages us to act out of love and courage - to stand upright in strength, liberty, and love rather than laying huddled low on the ground, burdened and chained in guilt or depression since we can't seem to get life right.  I came home feeling like a failure in my relationships (including my relationship with God), but after listening, reflecting, and seeking counsel and prayer - I have come to see that my life following Christ (though challenging) is a life of liberty.  Though it will be difficult to confront the people I love, it is what I must do in order to make my voice heard and open the air for change to happen.  In doing this, a resolution can be reached and the truth can be known - opening up an avenue for peace and calm in my relationships.  Jesus truly does come to give us rest: a custom fit plan to help us live this life to the fullest possible, and become people who are free to love and love others well.

The beginning of the second year.

I didn't post in August, but that's primarily because I was traveling the whole month.

My first trip was to Santa Fe, NM with OU for a paint-write course. New Mexico is labeled "The Land of Enchantment" and after visiting for one week, I completely agree with the state's tagline. The whole time I felt like I was in a different country, but a country where everyone speaks English. :) I was able to go with my two best friends from my master's program here, and the coursework was much more enjoyable with them present. The class was a new concept of creativity for me: painting and writing about my paintings. If anyone has ever been interested in painting or creative writing - if you have any artistic desire within you at all -I recommend you travel to Taos, NM and paint and write and enjoy the people and land. Beautiful.

My second trip was to Seattle for ten days to visit family and the college roomies. This trip was great, too. I was really happy to see my aunt and cousin, whom I was used to seeing so often during my college years in Seattle, but now I see only once or twice a year. I also loved seeing my grandparents, whom I have become much more sentimental towards, as I can see them aging and I know my moments with them are few and precious before they pass away. My parents were able to fly up for a weekend which made the trip all the more fun to all be together. Seeing old friends was great as well, and being in Seattle brought back more nostalgic feelings and memories than I anticipated. But overall, I know that Seattle was a great place to go to college, but I don't miss it in the sense that I wish I still lived there. I have concluded that I enjoy living in warmer climates - HOT climates, even. And I find myself much more accustomed to the slower, laid-back pace of the south, both here and in southern California.

So school has begun and I am officially in my second year of my master's program. It's crazy to think that by this time next year I will be teaching full time and (hopefully) have my master's in-hand. I never thought my life would turn out this way - graduate school never even passed through my mind when I was a child/teenager, even though my father finished his MBA when I was in the fifth grade and our entire family attended his graduation. And it's funny how school has become a sort of addiction for me. Both me and my two best friends in the program are not satisfied with our master's - we all want to go back for more. Jennifer and Erica know they want their PhD's, where I am still considering law school. I do not know why but I still feel so drawn to it - I feel I would be missing out if I didn't even attempt the application process. Jen and I know we both want to teach for a while (like 5 years or so) before we pursue another degree, whereas Erica is looking to apply to a PhD program in Denmark that begins next fall. I never saw myself as a PhD candidate, but perhaps I, too, will want to pursue a PhD in the future. Only time will tell.

Life in Norman is still going great - I really enjoy it here. Although I do still feel drawn to Austin, and I feel if I don't attempt to live and teach there I will always regret it. My plan is to get my certification for Oklahoma this year, then move down to Austin this summer, try to find a job, and see how I like it there. If I don't like it, then I can always move back here to Norman and teach (because my certification will be good for a few years). I feel I have to follow the dreams that lie within me - perhaps, as Dr. Himma told me last spring - I am being called to these desires I have deep within me. Only time and prayer will tell. But I look forward to whatever lies ahead, because in this journey of following God and growing closer to Him, I have yet to be disappointed.

Those who know deep down they are loved

Well it has been about a month since the last update... so it looks like it's time to write to ya'll.

Life is still going great.  I am about to finish my second summer course this week and on Sunday I'm heading to Santa Fe, New Mexico for my final summer course on Paint-Write.

This month has been very full of learning and loving.  Two of my dearest friends here in Norman have decided to separate from their husbands and most likely will end up getting a divorce.  One of my friends has two small children and will actually be living down the street from me.  Because of her husband's drug use, I think she is making the right decision to separate from him and move with the kids to a different house.  I am excited they will be living so close - I plan on visiting them often, eating dinner, riding bikes, and going to the park or on adventurous walks together.  

It is ironic that two of my closest friends here are going through such difficult times in their marriage at the same time that I have decided to go to counseling to talk about my own past relationships and all the emotions and thoughts I've been trying to sort out about them.  I've been meeting with a counselor here at school once a week since the beginning of July.  It has been very beneficial and I am getting so much out of it.  I feel like I'm able to see myself in a whole new light - more truthful, honest, and self-aware.  It's been a blessing that I have been talking about my own feelings and emotions with a counselor - I feel it helps me talk with my friends, and I also feel like I can legitimately encourage them to go to counseling to help process all that they are going through.  

The biggest thing I have learned so far from all of these things is that what matters most is how we as people treat each other.  I have learned that to love someone is to place their feelings and emotions before your own, but also to be honest with yourself and your partner about your own feelings and emotions, so that your partner can know what's going on with you and how they are a part of it.  I also believe that you need to know yourself and be confident in who you are first before you can be with someone else.  When the shit hits the fan, you can't look to your spouse or significant other to tell you who you are; you must be sure of who you are so that if every other person rejects you, you can be OK with only yourself as the only human being who is "with" you - confident that regardless of what the entire rest of the world might say or think about you, you have been true to yourself.

One of my professors at SPU told me he believed the world was made of two types of people: those who know deep down they are loved, and those who do not.  I have come back to this statement numerous times, wondering how much I believe it to be true.  I think it is extremely important to know that deep down we are loved completely and unconditionally simply for being.  God is love, and therefore whatever he has created has been made from love.  We have a place in this world, and we are meant to be here.

I think it is important to be as honest with ourselves as possible.  If we cannot be honest with ourselves, how can we be honest with others?  And if we're not honest with others, then how can we ever be loved for exactly who we are?  And vice verse, how can we truly love others if we're not being honest with them?  Although it's difficult and scary at times to be honest with ourselves and others, it's the only way we can experience true love, and a truly fulfilled life.  At least that's what I have concluded after all I have experienced in this last month.

Mercy triumphs over judgement

This morning I read this verse:

"Mercy triumphs over judgement."

It's found in the book of James, chapter 2, verse 13.

My roommate and I sat and discussed what it possibly might mean.  We came to a conclusion that identifying with a person and attempting to empathize and understand him or her wins out over distancing yourself from a person and creating a stark line between the two of you.  

The verse comes in the context of James teaching that "believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ" should not show favoritism.  Specifically, James mentions, in the issue of wealth.  He paints a scenario for his Christian readers to better understand: 

"Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in.  If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?" (verses 3-4)

James goes on to point out that there are rich people who exploit Christians, take them to court, and slander the name of their Lord.  James points out the Christians' misunderstanding that wealth equals superiority.  He reminds the Christians that "If you keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing right."  But judging a person by their wealth alone does not correlate with loving one's neighbor as one's self. 

The entirety of verse 13 reads "because judgement without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful.  Mercy triumphs over judgement!"

In the midst of struggling with superiority, James here points out that mercy is superior to judgement.  And so, Christians should not judge a person by their financial state, but rather show mercy to all people - identify with them, empathize with them, attempt to understand them - and in doing this, you will simultaneously be "loving your neighbor as yourself," because we all desire to me understood rather than prematurely judged.

It's interesting that James claims that mercy triumphs over judgement, yet in the prior sentence he states that judgement without mercy will triumph over those who do not show mercy.  Isn't this a case of judgement triumphing over mercy?  

Perhaps James is trying to say that, for humans, mercy is better than judgement, because God alone can judge peoples' hearts and souls.  As far as our human relationships are concerned, it is always superior to show mercy rather than judgement on our fellow humans, because we are limited and do not see through to each person's heart and soul.  In fact, the only thing we can be completely 100% sure about is what we see on the outside of a person: their flesh and their clothes.  

It seems James is stressing that we should seek to understand each other out of love and through mercy by entering into relationships with each other where we can grow to see a person's heart and soul rather than distancing ourselves from one another as if we have each other all figured out.  

God sees to the core of our very hearts and souls.  But we, on the other hand, cannot automatically see into a person's heart and soul.  That is the discovery of life.  That is what gives meaning to our existence here: learning to love and understand another person as he or she opens his or her heart and soul to you.  As we grant mercy and seek understanding, we find ourselves opening up our hearts and souls to one another, and as we do this we are able to see each other's fragile core, in such desperate need of mercy, care, tenderness, and protection - so that some part of it can be saved as pure, precious, and pouring over with life.  A Jewish proverb claims that the heart "is the wellspring of life" and it should therefore be guarded "above all else."  It sound like showing mercy to one another triumphs judgement because it guards our hearts by keeping them unbroken and therefore full, streaming with life.

A boring post.

I apologize in advance that my posting has not been as consistent as I said it would be.  Here it is halfway through June and I didn't even write for May...  But better late than never, sometimes... right?

The most recent update: things are going very well for me here.

The month of May was full of finishing up study skills with my students, taking final exams, finishing research projects, and traveling home to California to see family and friends.

One rather big update that you don't know about my life is that I have decided to sell my Mazda3 in order to buy a cheaper car and not have a car payment when I graduate!  I drove Vikki home in May and left her there for my parents to sell (since it's a CA title and technically in their name) and flew back here to OK.  I bought a bike from an international friend who flew back to France at the end of last semester, so that's currently how I'm making my way back and forth to work and around town.  My legs were KILLING me the first week (I couldn't fall asleep at night the first few nights, and I felt like my quads were HUGE) and my butt was pretty sore all the time, but now it's all good and I'm enjoying the commute a lot.

A blessing I received at the beginning of June was a generous offer from the Kopke's to buy their old Camry for $500.  It's a 1996 blue Camry with an RBHS parking sticker on it... but the AC works and it runs smooth, so it sounds great to me!  Plus... no car payment!  

Also, things changed at my work.  They informed me after the first week of June that, due to budget cuts, the study skills program had been trimmed down to freshmen only, and since Candice is a GA, she will be teaching it (she has been teaching sophomore study skills).  At first, this news was hard to handle because I felt it was a nice way of the department easing me into unemployment.  My supervisor assured me that they were going to find work for me to do to keep me on staff (because there's been a hiring freeze, so they want me to do any jobs that might come up).  At first I was worried that I wouldn't have much to do and they would have to let me go, but in reality the exact opposite has happened.  One of my coworkers has been on vacation for the past two weeks, so I have been doing her job (coordinating subject tutoring).  Also, I've been administering a reading assessment to incoming freshmen, which has been an interesting learning experience (and resume booster) but also exhausting.  

It's interesting to walk into the office every day to find myself doing another job.  I have been assigned to tutor a female sophomore student in study skills twice a week one-on-one, and I have also been assigned to be a note-taker for a class no one else is available for.  This next week I will be doing another coworker's job while she is on vacation (she is the coordinator for the writing center).  The experience has taught me an important skill to have in a workplace: flexibility.  

I'm enjoying my class, I think primarily because I'm only taking one, rather than three.  We meet three times a week for four hours each class session, but the material we cover is so interesting that the time goes really quickly.  And I've actually been keeping up with the reading!  Which makes me feel like a more responsible student.  The class is about media and pop culture - how to teach students to be critical viewers of the media, as well as teaching them how to use media to their advantage.  We also talk about how to use pop culture to teach basic reading and writing skills to our students - the theory being using material they are interested in, because studies show students learn much more when they are engaged with the material.  I'm learning a lot and loving the decision to take the class this summer.

Also, my friends and I have decided to become better cooks this summer.  Candice and I have been making a lot of our own sauces, dishes, and desserts.  We've had a dinner party every Friday night this summer.  Marisa, my roommate, has decided that Friday is officially pie day, and we are going to make a different pie every Friday, document the experience with pictures, and then blog about the experience.  We're hoping to develop a following...

Also, as a side note, I moved in May.  I'm now living off-campus, about 2 miles north-west of OU, in a house with one other graduate student.  The house is quaint and newly remodeled, so it is very comfortable.  I have my own bedroom, AC, a washer and dryer in the house, and a dishwasher.  It's worth the extra $60-$100 dollars a month.  We're also looking for 1-2 more roommates, and have two promising prospects.  We're hoping to have a friend move in with a dog, and another girl move in who is interested in growing  a vegetable garden.  Yes, please!

Anyways, this post is pretty boring, but I wanted to update you all on the fact that life is going well and I am very thankful and happy to be here.  I'm sorry for not calling you all more often, but I'm going to try to get on that soon!  Love and miss you, thank you for your friendship and love.

All that I need

April is almost half-way over and I haven't written since the end of February.... Here is my most recent update.

One reason why I've been waiting to update you all is because many aspects of my life have been up in the air lately, and I was worried to write something down only to have circumstances change in the next minute, day, or week.

About a month ago I was feeling very overwhelmed with my schedule. I felt as if I was waking up every morning asking, "Didn't my alarm just go off yesterday? Did an entire day go by without me knowing?" I felt like I was a robot: rising at 5:45am to bathe and dress, head to sessions with students that started at 8am, grab a quick bite to eat before class, sit through lectures and group presentations, attempt to glance over my required reading or research while eating dinner, and then hit the sack by 10pm if I was lucky. I didn't have any time to myself. And the most important thing I didn't have any time for was writing. I may not blog all that often, but I write something, somehow, somewhere almost every day. If I don't write every day, I at least spend time intentionally dreaming or reflecting. With my schedule I felt I had no time to even reflect on my day, much less my life and where it was going. I felt I was being run like a machine, as if my life was living me instead of me living my life, and I knew in my core that something needed to change.

So for Spring Break I went down to Austin, and hated the fact that I had to leave. I was sad to leave the last time I visited Austin, but this time when I drove into Norman I wasn't happy to be back. I went to class the next day and simply did not want to be there. I loved my time in Austin so much I started praying about when I could move there. I was thinking I would move when I finished my program, but then that got all tossed around about two days after I started asking the Lord for blessing and direction.

That same week back from Spring Break I found out that I could finish my program and graduate with my teaching certification and thesis in-hand by next May (2010). The catch is that I would have to write my thesis this fall and then defend it in the spring while I'm student teaching. No big deal, right? Oh except a thesis is 50-80 pages of literature reviews, first-hand research, and my own creative, authentic, theory. Yeah, you know, no big deal...

So I found myself in a debate over what I wanted to do: push through and be even more ridiculously stressed or take my time and stretch my program out. I wanted to choose the option of taking my sweet time, but then I did not want to be in Norman any longer than I had to (I want to get to Austin ASAP). So a professor of mine encouraged me to look into transferring, which sounded like a risk but also a dream come-true if it could work out. For about a week it was all I could think about: I looked into jobs, roommates, and the two public universities in Austin: UT and Texas State. Unfortunately, neither one of these schools works perfectly with what I want. Texas State doesn't have the same Master's I am working on right now (which is a program I specifically chose) and although UT has the same Master's, they don't have the joint degree of certification, so it would end up taking me at least 4 if not 5 years to obtain the same degree and credentials I can earn here by next May.

After learning of this devastating news, I made the decision to push through and finish my Master's by next spring. Hopefully I will be able to obtain a job in Austin and start my teaching career in Texas after obtaining my degree. I will take summer school all summer this year and work full time. Then I will cut my work load down to half-time in the fall while I write my thesis and (hopefully) coach girls basketball at Whittier Middle School here in Norman. In the spring, I will not work at all while I defend my thesis and student teach and finish the girls bball season. After that semester I will look for a teaching position in Austin, and move down there that summer (taking a nice long vacation to Mexico with Camille to celebrate our graduation and improve my Spanish).

I am going to have to use more of my financial aid than I did this past school year, but in the end it will save me money because I will be able to start working sooner and I will enter the teaching world with my Master's completed. I'm not exactly thrilled to spend the long, hot summer here in Norman going to class at least three times a week, but I am happy I have made a decision about where I will finish my program, and so far I have everything I need to get through it. While I would still say that this program is killing me slowly, I'm thankful that I have all the support and provision that I need to succeed in reaching my goals so that I can further pursue my dreams. It seems a little silly, but also so fitting, that I have been hearing this children's Sunday school song in my head all throughout this year:

Our God is so BIG!
so STRONG! And so MIGHTY!
there's nothing our God cannot do!

God has been too good to me here; I do not deserve all the blessings of provision: financially, spiritually, emotionally, and socially. But as a friend of mine from Austin reminded me recently, "If God brought you to it, then he can get you through it." While this saying may be a cliche in the Christian community, I am starting to think it just might actually be true. Perhaps this really is the place God wants me to be, in the program he wants me in, for a purpose bigger than my small human dreams can even fathom. And he's so big, strong, and good that he will get me through whatever it is that I must face. And to that I say, "Thank you, Lord, for providing and being all that I need."

Testing Love

The season of Lent in the liturgical church calendar began on Wednesday, but it wasn't until this morning that I intentionally spent time going through what I want to give up this year, and more importantly, what I want to take on.

I'll guide you through how I came to my decision.

 

February has played its iconic role as the month of love for me this year.  I met a wonderful young fellow at the end of January who is friendly, genuine, caring, talented, and overall rather impressive.  We struck up a budding new friendship that soon developed into a prospect for something more.  It was full of excitement, anticipation, and joy.  But as our conversations progressed into deeper topics and later nights, I found myself wrestling with various emotions - and not all of them were pleasant.  

I am aware that I am a rather lonely person when it comes to romantic love.  I can only think of one year in my entire life that I was not seriously crushing on someone (and that was senior year of high school, when all the great catches seemed to be taken).  Although I have become pretty realistic and sensible when it comes to love, I grew up a hopeless romantic.  I never thought about dating; I dreamed of who I would marry.  Since kindergarten I have spent each year of my life dreaming over some boy who I've desired to be my one true love.  I usually developed my crushes at school in the fall, or during the late summer when I would attend my brothers' soccer/baseball/whatever sport they were playing practices and games.  By the end of the school year I would be so in love with the boy, that somehow I would end up sharing my feelings with him.  

In first grade, it was Ryan, who I held hands with during "story time" on the carpet squares while Mr. McNiff sat in his big comfy red chair and read to us.  In second grade, it was Nathan, who I walked to lunch with and sat next to while we ate our pb and j sandwiches and swung our legs as one unit under the table in the cafeteria.  In fourth grade it was Brad, a brother of one of the boys on my brother's soccer team.  He was my first experience of rejection: I told him that I liked him, and for valentine's day he made me this sweet valentine on the computer that had the message "You are a great FRIEND!" in all caps neatly displayed inside it.  In fifth grade I had it bad for Lauren, a boy on my other brother's baseball team, who I called at the end of the school year pretending I was at a sleepover and had been "dared" to ask if he had liked any other girl besides Jenna that school year.  His answer of "no" was my second experience with rejection, although not as direct.  Sixth grade was the mark of my first "boyfriend" who was none other than Ryan from first grade.  I only started "dating" him because one day at recess all of the girls in our class rushed into the bathroom to tell me, "Kelsie, Ryan says he'll go out with you if you ask him."  Not really knowing what "going out" meant, I said, "Ok.  Let's go to the soccer field," and I proceeded to ask Ryan if he would be my "boyfriend."  All of junior high consisted of similar "boyfriend" events with Frank, Justin, Robert, John, Billie, and Kevin.

In high school my crush began with David, the dreamy senior with blue eyes and beach-blonde hair, then moved to Andrew, Andrew, Ben, and finally Andrew again.  College was then consumed with Jon and Jeff, as well as a few other randoms (Adam, Ben, Robert*, and the boys I met in Europe). 

I can't tell if it's a good or bad thing that I can remember each boy I have liked or crushed on for my entire lifetime.  They must have all meant something, though, right?  That's a good sign that I genuinely cared for them in some way, right?

Anyways, the reason I went into all of that is because I have decided to give up men for my fast of lent.  I have chosen to give up contacting my ex-boyfriend, whom I just can't seem to let go of (or stop bothering, though he's so nice he wouldn't say that to my face), and I've chosen to stop pursuing things further with this new gentleman.  In place of giving up these men, I have chosen to take on Jesus, who was also a man, but the perfect man who all others fall short of (including myself).

I decided to take this step primarily because of all the various emotions I was experiencing during the process of getting to know this new guy.  I'm not sure of what I want in my life, especially when it comes to romantic love.  What I think I do know, however, is that I want someone who will be my best friend: someone I can talk to about anything, and though he may not be able to understand it all, he will at least be willing to listen, and most importantly, be willing to attempt understanding.  I want to be with someone who will feel he can share anything he wants with me, and who will know that though I may not understand, I will be open to developing an understanding, compassion, and support for him.  I want someone who I can learn from, and who can learn from me.  I want someone who respects me and wants what's best for me, regardless of how that involves him.  And I want to feel that same way about him: I want him to have the best and to follow what he needs and wants, regardless of how it concerns me.  I want a man who values me above all as the person I am, not the person he wants me to be, nor the person he wishes I could be (or believes I can be).  And I, likewise, want to love someone for exactly who they are, with all of their flaws, shortcomings, and ugliness included.  

My life habit of constantly dreaming is, I think, what might be the cause of my loneliness when it comes to romantic love.  I think I have always dreamed of the men I want and tried to find a guy who I could then make fit that mold.  I think this has been the biggest cause of pain in my last relationship: I failed to love him for who he is, rather than who I thought he could be or should be, and I think he was guilty of the same act in his projection onto me the person he wished I could be.  Presently, I think our friendship is strained because we both have yet to love each other for who we really are, not who we used to be or who we both feel the other person could (or should) be.

So I want to take this time of lent to stop dreaming of the man I want to have, and learn more about the man I DO have: Jesus.  I know it sounds cliche and cheesy to love my ultimate "husband" (Jesus) and spend time getting to know him.  But sometimes sayings have become cliche because of their truth that cannot be explained in any simpler way. 

Today I spent time reading the beginning of the Gospel according to Matthew.  In taking on Jesus this Lenten season, I have decided to read through the Gospels since that's where all the red letters are.  This morning I came across Jesus' temptation in the desert - his 40 days of temptation and testing (Matthew 4:1-11).  I was struck with the disheartening realization that I see myself above my Lord and Savior.  I rarely fast or give things up for God, merely because I tell myself its a ritualistic tradition that doesn't really draw us closer to God, we only think it does.  But after reading this passage, I was struck with conviction about my arrogance. Matthew tells us that Jesus was "led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil" (4:1).  The commentary in this Bible (the Renovare Spiritual Formation Bible) states:

"Matt. 4:1 says it is the Spirit that led Jesus out into the wilderness to be tested.  By definition God tests (intending to strengthen the believer's moral character) and the devil tempts (intending to destroy that selfsame character).  Paradoxically, the same set of circumstances can be taken either as a test or a temptation depending on the response.   Jesus responds as a believer . . . ." 

 How could I think that I would be above the same testing/tempting that my own Lord and ultimate life Teacher was subjected to?  I see this Lenten season as my own wilderness-esque scenario of testing/temptation.  Who will I ultimate love and obey: God or myself?  

I often feel like I am my own devil.  I make my own plans, my own dreams, of what (and who) I want, and then I connivingly create a scheme for going about getting what I want.  Jesus was tempted by the same enticements from the devil to rely on his own power to make bread, command the angels, and ultimately rule the world (Matt. 4:3-10).  But I think, as the commentators in this particular study Bible suggest, that Jesus saw the devil's temptation as a test of his love and devotion to God; and I think that ultimately Jesus did not want to deny that love or jeopardize his relationship with God.  So, this is my model for the next 40-some days of lent (technically less now).  I see difficult circumstances in relationships as a sort of testing that produces a stronger love and bond than the one we already possess; testing reinforces the truth that already exists, making it more refined and clear.  So I hope that I can come out on the other side of these next forty days proclaiming just as Jesus did: "Away with you, Satan!  For it is written, 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve only Him'" (Matt. 4:10).  And in Jesus' case, "the devil left him, and suddenly angels came and waited on him" (4:11).  Perhaps such a victory can be mine, as well: the devil's burden of loneliness will be gone from me, and the love of God's angels will surround me, empowering me to love and minister to others, just as Jesus exemplified for all his followers to model.

Peace

Alright, my goal is going to be to write on this thing at least once a month.  So since the last time I wrote was Jan 16, this will count for my February post.

I don't have much to update on.  I love reading Jordan's and Camille's blogs - I am so happy to see my dear friends out exploring the world and learning more about it.  I also love living vicariously through them!  Like today, Camille said that she is so over Europe because Latin America offers everything Europe used to: authenticity, diverse culture, and inexpensiveness!  I've been thinking about how Latin America needs to be my next travel destination.  One: because it's so close and inexpensive.  Two: because I really want to learn Spanish so that I can better communicate with and relate to my students.  And three: because I've only ever been to TJ and Tecate, which are really mini versions of San Diego, just across the border.  I'm thinking that my next time to travel will be next summer (2010) before I start teaching full-time in the fall.  I think it will be the perfect opportunity to go to Mexico and learn Spanish, since I will be in the classroom that fall.  Plus, I will need to finish my thesis, and what better way to write than in an exotic setting discovering new people and places and soaking in another culture?  Now I just need to find a friend to come with me... Camila??  :)

Lately I've been amazed at how much I am loving life out here in Oklahoma.  My roommate's brother, Andrew Kopke, told me I like it so much because I had such low expectations.  And maybe that's true.  But to give Oklahoma credit, I have really loved the people I've met here.  While talking to my CA friend, Sarah, on the phone the other week, she mentioned that she was really happy that I've met so many good friends so quickly.  I told her that it's been so easy to make friends because people are so friendly.  I know that people on the West coast tend to make fun of Southerners by saying that they are "fake" (even my friends in the Northwest would say that to me about Californians), but I don't see the southern hospitality as being "fake."  I truly feel most people here are genuinely hospitable.  I love feeling so welcomed into peoples' homes, families, and just their lives in general.  And not everyone in the South is ultraconservative.  And not every Christian is a bible-thumping bigot.  While those people do exist, I've met so many people who think on such an opposite scale - people who want to defy their stereotype and change their culture.  I'm finding a very nice mesh of my two favorite cultures here: southern friendliness and northern intellectualism.  Although this move felt like taking a blind leap of faith, I feel it couldn't have been more perfect to matching exactly what I wanted for this phase of my life.  And each week, it just keeps getting better.  Hopefully next blog I can be more detailed and give more tangible examples.  But for now, you (Jordan) can bask in my vagueness and abstract descriptions. 

Peace. 

Dreams (Un)Fullfilled

While I was browsing through autobiographies today for the spring study skills course I'm teaching, I came across this poem by Langston Hughes:


Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


Ever since I left home in the fall of 2004 I have been searching to fulfill my dreams. I went away for college, chose a major that spoke to my soul, gave up finding my identity in the "athlete" image, worked as a summer camp counselor, gave my heart away to my first love, searched to understand how God reveals himself around the globe by going on my first international mission trip, witnessed how easily the Lord is able to provide, spent a semester studying at my ultimate dream school from my teenage years (Westmont College), traveled to Africa, committed to a group of friends, and travelled around Europe with good friends while carrying only one backpack (normal school-size, not hiking).

I've achieved many of my heart's dreams, and discovered new ones. Growing up I always thought that I would go off to college, earn a great education, meet my one true love, marry after graduation, and begin building my own family. Aside from perhaps pursing medical school (my childhood dream to become a doctor), I never anticipated that graduate school would be part of my life. I also never anticipated finding a person I would genuinely love and give my heart to, truly feel I wanted to marry, and then ironically wind up on the other end of a phoneline hearing his words: "I don't feel in my heart that you are the one."

I never had dreams post-college, except to be married, start a family, work hard, and spend time travelling overseas to discover new places while sharing with under-developed countries the skills I had acquired through the education given to me. Though I'm only 23 (next Thursday!), I find myself wondering if I'll see my final dream come true: marriage and family. Though I claim to be a strong feminist and know many women older than myself who are single, happy, and successful (and honsetly am content with my current life being single with no serious prospects), I know in the back of my mind and in the core of my heart I wonder if I will achieve the dream of being a wife and mother. The mistakes I've made in former relationships whisper lies of guilt to me from time to time while falling asleep at night, especially after I run into an old love interest/friend/boyfriend.

I've been questioning whether I should still "hold fast" to my dream, as Langston Hughes puts it, or simply allow my "broken-winged bird" to die. Being a Christian, I wonder why I have such a desire to become a wife and mother. Do I simply desire what my culture claims is "normal" for a female? Am I merely listening to my culture's inaccurate message that a grown woman only has value and meaning in our society as a wife and mother? Am I holding onto a merely human desire - a desire from the old self that has been crucified with Christ - a desire I have been told to put off and let go of?

Which advice do I take? "The Christian life is a life of suffering where we do not always find all of our dreams and heart's desires met"? or "God has someone else for you and he will be even better than you ever dreamed or imagined"? I'm sure the advice to take lies somewhere inbetween these two statements.

For now, I believe in Langston Hughes's words to hold on to our dreams, for without them, life is broken, barren, unfullfilling, and empty. Psalm 37: 4,5 reads, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Perhaps as I give this final dream to the Lord and allow him to work in my life however He wants, I will find a fullfillment and joy bigger than marriage and motherhood combined. Perhaps God will give me new desires, which He will bring to pass in His ease and timing. It does seem demanding (and un-Christian in certain respects) to expect following Christ will make all of the things I desire for my life come true. Didn't I turn to Christ because I believed I couldn't find my own fullfillment of love, joy, and even a good way of life? Didn't I call on Him to be my Savior because I claimed I needed saving from myself? Isn't being a Christian all about being transformed by the Holy Spirit to be like Christ himself, who only ever delighted in the will of the Father?

So, after much heartache, sorrow, and confusion, I seem to have concluded with the timeless message Christians have been trusting in and speaking to the world since Christ's coming to this earth: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6). And so, I will choose to learn to trust that God is actively caring about my life, and sees me, and loves me, and is directing my paths.

Unpoetic List

It's been a while between my last post and this new one. Since then, I have:

1. Completed my first semester of grad school. (Only three more left! I love how this moves so much faster than undergrad!)

2. Flown home: (having to pay $15 for my checked bag - and it was NOT overweight!)
-seen all of my best friends from high school (minus Kate),
-spent time with my family,
-met my parents' new puppy,
-realized my grandparents are getting older and more dependent,
-helped my 17 year-old cousin look at California colleges, and
-remembered the goodness of God and the amazing ways He has revealed His love to me in San Diego

3. Flown to Seattle: (thankfully Southwest is BOMB and doesn't charge you for baggage! So I checked two)
-got denied service at the Crow,
-ate at a new Thai restaurant with my Jordy,
-rung in the New Year at the space needle (best New Year's ever!),
-met up with my former Ukraine teammates and adventurers,
-had breakfast with my college core group, where I finally met An,
-trekked down the Snoqualmie Falls with the boys from the brother floor (can you believe we met the first week of college and are still friends?), and
-had a great lovefest with all the college roomies in my grandfather's beautiful lakehouse (might be the last time I enjoy that house).
-oh, we also drove through my first snowstorm, had to walk down Grandpa's steep driveway in the snow, in heels, and worried about being snowed in the day before I was supposed to fly back to Oklahoma.

4. Made my much anticipated trip to Austin, TX:
-ate my first Tex-Mex with Sami (completing the core group circle),
-hung out with Katy Klusmeier (such a great girl, so friendly and encouraging!),
-witnessed a liberal city in the South (thank God),
-actually saw people out running for exercise who were over the age of 20 and living in the South,
-listened to some great music,
-made my first male friends since I've moved to the heartland,
-visited Chris Tomlin's old church, and
-began dreaming more seriously of migrating to Austin once finished with my master's.

Now I'm sitting in the office avoiding reading various autobiographies of Malcom X, Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Benjamin Franklin, and Barbara Walters. This post is already so long, I don't know if I should elaborate on any of it (I love how I think I'm writing to an audience), so I might just end it with that. Though I do wish I could be more creative and poetic than listing my fun events (one reason I thought I would try this blog thing), I find myself already tired and lacking in words. Perhaps I will conclude this post and begin another one, fresh for creativity.