Rested, burden-free, and liberated in the yoke of Christ.

I want to write because I have all sorts of thoughts and emotions sprawling over each other inside of my heart and I just can't keep them in any longer.

I came back today from San Diego with a heavy heart.  I know San Diego is not the place for me to be living right now, but I feel terrible for my friends and family who are living there.  Work is extremely rare to come by for them and life living at home with parents seems tense and dissatisfying.  I try to tell my friends that they should move out here, where we have more jobs and a lower cost of living, but I know they don't want to leave CA.  My younger brother is going through various health issues that keep adding up, and even with insurance my parents have to pay a pretty hefty fee.  My mom's job is frustrating, as well as my older brother's, and my dad's bank is merging with another to help "keep things going."  But more than the work and living situations weighing my friends and family down, what was harder to handle for me was dealing with relationships: hearing about the relationships my friends and family find themselves in as well as confronting characteristics of my relationship with them. I was told many things that were difficult to hear and I was placed in situations where it was difficult for me to give my honest opinion.

I have realized recently about myself that when it comes to the people I love the most, I become extremely passive and reserved about sharing my honest feelings.  I do not know why, but it is extremely difficult for me to stand up for myself when being placed in uncomfortable and inappropriate situations.  I often do not find courage to tell people I feel uncomfortable or hurt by what they have told me, and instead of speaking out I clam up and ruminate over what has been said - as if thinking about it and analyzing the words will help me get over them?

Coming home to OK, sitting on my couch writing, I feel guilty that I have left my friends and family - that I'm not there to support and help them.  I feel as if I have abandoned them.  And I feel guilty that things are going so well for me out here, and that I don't miss home or living in San Diego.  I have always had an issue with guilt and feeling responsible for other people's actions/life circumstances (perhaps it's the middle child syndrome?) even when it's out of my control, so when I got back here to OK I told myself I shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for their lives, but still I feel overwhelmed with their unhappiness and want to do something (if I can) to help.  I came back here with a huge burden and prayer from my heart, asking God what I should do - what is my responsibility as a Christian in the lives of my family and friends?  I confessed to being a poor friend/family member and began looking for an answer as to what I need to be doing differently to change this situation.  What do I need to give up or sacrifice?

I also felt burdened about whether or not I should confront my friends and family about decisions they are making and how they are including me in them.  Should I confront them about communication patterns I am personally hurt by and feel placed in an awkward position by?  I have never done this before and the thought of it is extremely scary and I am afraid I don't have what it takes to be honest.  I want to run away and pretend problems aren't there, or hope someone else will say something that will cause my loved one to change, saving me the confrontation.

I wasn't able to make it to church on Sunday when I was in SD over the weekend, and after coming back home here and feeling super discouraged, I thought a sermon might help me see my situation from a better, more well-rounded and hopeful perspective.  I listened to Pastor Doug's sermon on the GVC website.  He preached on Matthew 11, where Jesus calls people to come to him if they are weary and heavy laden.  Jesus offers rest for the weary, and he promises a yoke (or teaching) that is easy and light.  Pastor Doug breaks down what is meant by "easy" in explaining it to mean "well-fitting."  Essentially, Jesus' teaching is easy because it is custom fit to who we are.  It reminds me of C.S. Lewis' comment in Mere Christianity about how Christ calls us to give up all that we are in surrender to him (which is difficult), but in the process of giving our entire self up, we actually end up receiving our self back - but not the same self we gave away.  We receive an even better, more truthful self than we had ever experienced before or dreamed we could be.

The truth is, God knows us better than we know ourselves, and he knows what is best for us (better than what we could even dream for ourselves).  And though being a follower of Christ isn't necessarily "easy" (surrendering patterns and objects and people who keep us in control or comfortable or fitting in), I do believe it to be the best possible life we can have.

Part of following Christ and his teaching is speaking the truth in love to others and sharing truth with them (bringing things into the light).  Christ challenges us to confront those who have hurt us, and then forgive them for their wrongs.  Essentially, I take this to mean that we are to be honest with others about how their words and actions make us feel and how their actions and words affect our relationship with them.  I believe we are meant to do this because it causes us to enter into a more transparent and open relationship with people instead of holding back, shutting down, or running away (all of which I am way better at doing than being transparent).  It also is how we learn to love.  If a friend of mine or family member never tells me that I hurt them when I do x, y, or say z, then how am I to learn how to treat them well and not harm them?  It is the same in dealing with our loved ones when they hurt us.

So, though my initial response to my trip home was a feeling of guilt that I thought would only be taken away by prayer and sacrifice to make myself right with God, I feel after reading Matthew 11 that Jesus takes away our burdens of guilt and helplessness and enables us with a teaching that encourages us to act out of love and courage - to stand upright in strength, liberty, and love rather than laying huddled low on the ground, burdened and chained in guilt or depression since we can't seem to get life right.  I came home feeling like a failure in my relationships (including my relationship with God), but after listening, reflecting, and seeking counsel and prayer - I have come to see that my life following Christ (though challenging) is a life of liberty.  Though it will be difficult to confront the people I love, it is what I must do in order to make my voice heard and open the air for change to happen.  In doing this, a resolution can be reached and the truth can be known - opening up an avenue for peace and calm in my relationships.  Jesus truly does come to give us rest: a custom fit plan to help us live this life to the fullest possible, and become people who are free to love and love others well.