Dreams (Un)Fullfilled

While I was browsing through autobiographies today for the spring study skills course I'm teaching, I came across this poem by Langston Hughes:


Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


Ever since I left home in the fall of 2004 I have been searching to fulfill my dreams. I went away for college, chose a major that spoke to my soul, gave up finding my identity in the "athlete" image, worked as a summer camp counselor, gave my heart away to my first love, searched to understand how God reveals himself around the globe by going on my first international mission trip, witnessed how easily the Lord is able to provide, spent a semester studying at my ultimate dream school from my teenage years (Westmont College), traveled to Africa, committed to a group of friends, and travelled around Europe with good friends while carrying only one backpack (normal school-size, not hiking).

I've achieved many of my heart's dreams, and discovered new ones. Growing up I always thought that I would go off to college, earn a great education, meet my one true love, marry after graduation, and begin building my own family. Aside from perhaps pursing medical school (my childhood dream to become a doctor), I never anticipated that graduate school would be part of my life. I also never anticipated finding a person I would genuinely love and give my heart to, truly feel I wanted to marry, and then ironically wind up on the other end of a phoneline hearing his words: "I don't feel in my heart that you are the one."

I never had dreams post-college, except to be married, start a family, work hard, and spend time travelling overseas to discover new places while sharing with under-developed countries the skills I had acquired through the education given to me. Though I'm only 23 (next Thursday!), I find myself wondering if I'll see my final dream come true: marriage and family. Though I claim to be a strong feminist and know many women older than myself who are single, happy, and successful (and honsetly am content with my current life being single with no serious prospects), I know in the back of my mind and in the core of my heart I wonder if I will achieve the dream of being a wife and mother. The mistakes I've made in former relationships whisper lies of guilt to me from time to time while falling asleep at night, especially after I run into an old love interest/friend/boyfriend.

I've been questioning whether I should still "hold fast" to my dream, as Langston Hughes puts it, or simply allow my "broken-winged bird" to die. Being a Christian, I wonder why I have such a desire to become a wife and mother. Do I simply desire what my culture claims is "normal" for a female? Am I merely listening to my culture's inaccurate message that a grown woman only has value and meaning in our society as a wife and mother? Am I holding onto a merely human desire - a desire from the old self that has been crucified with Christ - a desire I have been told to put off and let go of?

Which advice do I take? "The Christian life is a life of suffering where we do not always find all of our dreams and heart's desires met"? or "God has someone else for you and he will be even better than you ever dreamed or imagined"? I'm sure the advice to take lies somewhere inbetween these two statements.

For now, I believe in Langston Hughes's words to hold on to our dreams, for without them, life is broken, barren, unfullfilling, and empty. Psalm 37: 4,5 reads, "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Perhaps as I give this final dream to the Lord and allow him to work in my life however He wants, I will find a fullfillment and joy bigger than marriage and motherhood combined. Perhaps God will give me new desires, which He will bring to pass in His ease and timing. It does seem demanding (and un-Christian in certain respects) to expect following Christ will make all of the things I desire for my life come true. Didn't I turn to Christ because I believed I couldn't find my own fullfillment of love, joy, and even a good way of life? Didn't I call on Him to be my Savior because I claimed I needed saving from myself? Isn't being a Christian all about being transformed by the Holy Spirit to be like Christ himself, who only ever delighted in the will of the Father?

So, after much heartache, sorrow, and confusion, I seem to have concluded with the timeless message Christians have been trusting in and speaking to the world since Christ's coming to this earth: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6). And so, I will choose to learn to trust that God is actively caring about my life, and sees me, and loves me, and is directing my paths.

Unpoetic List

It's been a while between my last post and this new one. Since then, I have:

1. Completed my first semester of grad school. (Only three more left! I love how this moves so much faster than undergrad!)

2. Flown home: (having to pay $15 for my checked bag - and it was NOT overweight!)
-seen all of my best friends from high school (minus Kate),
-spent time with my family,
-met my parents' new puppy,
-realized my grandparents are getting older and more dependent,
-helped my 17 year-old cousin look at California colleges, and
-remembered the goodness of God and the amazing ways He has revealed His love to me in San Diego

3. Flown to Seattle: (thankfully Southwest is BOMB and doesn't charge you for baggage! So I checked two)
-got denied service at the Crow,
-ate at a new Thai restaurant with my Jordy,
-rung in the New Year at the space needle (best New Year's ever!),
-met up with my former Ukraine teammates and adventurers,
-had breakfast with my college core group, where I finally met An,
-trekked down the Snoqualmie Falls with the boys from the brother floor (can you believe we met the first week of college and are still friends?), and
-had a great lovefest with all the college roomies in my grandfather's beautiful lakehouse (might be the last time I enjoy that house).
-oh, we also drove through my first snowstorm, had to walk down Grandpa's steep driveway in the snow, in heels, and worried about being snowed in the day before I was supposed to fly back to Oklahoma.

4. Made my much anticipated trip to Austin, TX:
-ate my first Tex-Mex with Sami (completing the core group circle),
-hung out with Katy Klusmeier (such a great girl, so friendly and encouraging!),
-witnessed a liberal city in the South (thank God),
-actually saw people out running for exercise who were over the age of 20 and living in the South,
-listened to some great music,
-made my first male friends since I've moved to the heartland,
-visited Chris Tomlin's old church, and
-began dreaming more seriously of migrating to Austin once finished with my master's.

Now I'm sitting in the office avoiding reading various autobiographies of Malcom X, Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Benjamin Franklin, and Barbara Walters. This post is already so long, I don't know if I should elaborate on any of it (I love how I think I'm writing to an audience), so I might just end it with that. Though I do wish I could be more creative and poetic than listing my fun events (one reason I thought I would try this blog thing), I find myself already tired and lacking in words. Perhaps I will conclude this post and begin another one, fresh for creativity.