One reason why I've been waiting to update you all is because many aspects of my life have been up in the air lately, and I was worried to write something down only to have circumstances change in the next minute, day, or week.
About a month ago I was feeling very overwhelmed with my schedule. I felt as if I was waking up every morning asking, "Didn't my alarm just go off yesterday? Did an entire day go by without me knowing?" I felt like I was a robot: rising at 5:45am to bathe and dress, head to sessions with students that started at 8am, grab a quick bite to eat before class, sit through lectures and group presentations, attempt to glance over my required reading or research while eating dinner, and then hit the sack by 10pm if I was lucky. I didn't have any time to myself. And the most important thing I didn't have any time for was writing. I may not blog all that often, but I write something, somehow, somewhere almost every day. If I don't write every day, I at least spend time intentionally dreaming or reflecting. With my schedule I felt I had no time to even reflect on my day, much less my life and where it was going. I felt I was being run like a machine, as if my life was living me instead of me living my life, and I knew in my core that something needed to change.
So for Spring Break I went down to Austin, and hated the fact that I had to leave. I was sad to leave the last time I visited Austin, but this time when I drove into Norman I wasn't happy to be back. I went to class the next day and simply did not want to be there. I loved my time in Austin so much I started praying about when I could move there. I was thinking I would move when I finished my program, but then that got all tossed around about two days after I started asking the Lord for blessing and direction.
That same week back from Spring Break I found out that I could finish my program and graduate with my teaching certification and thesis in-hand by next May (2010). The catch is that I would have to write my thesis this fall and then defend it in the spring while I'm student teaching. No big deal, right? Oh except a thesis is 50-80 pages of literature reviews, first-hand research, and my own creative, authentic, theory. Yeah, you know, no big deal...
So I found myself in a debate over what I wanted to do: push through and be even more ridiculously stressed or take my time and stretch my program out. I wanted to choose the option of taking my sweet time, but then I did not want to be in Norman any longer than I had to (I want to get to Austin ASAP). So a professor of mine encouraged me to look into transferring, which sounded like a risk but also a dream come-true if it could work out. For about a week it was all I could think about: I looked into jobs, roommates, and the two public universities in Austin: UT and Texas State. Unfortunately, neither one of these schools works perfectly with what I want. Texas State doesn't have the same Master's I am working on right now (which is a program I specifically chose) and although UT has the same Master's, they don't have the joint degree of certification, so it would end up taking me at least 4 if not 5 years to obtain the same degree and credentials I can earn here by next May.
After learning of this devastating news, I made the decision to push through and finish my Master's by next spring. Hopefully I will be able to obtain a job in Austin and start my teaching career in Texas after obtaining my degree. I will take summer school all summer this year and work full time. Then I will cut my work load down to half-time in the fall while I write my thesis and (hopefully) coach girls basketball at Whittier Middle School here in Norman. In the spring, I will not work at all while I defend my thesis and student teach and finish the girls bball season. After that semester I will look for a teaching position in Austin, and move down there that summer (taking a nice long vacation to Mexico with Camille to celebrate our graduation and improve my Spanish).
I am going to have to use more of my financial aid than I did this past school year, but in the end it will save me money because I will be able to start working sooner and I will enter the teaching world with my Master's completed. I'm not exactly thrilled to spend the long, hot summer here in Norman going to class at least three times a week, but I am happy I have made a decision about where I will finish my program, and so far I have everything I need to get through it. While I would still say that this program is killing me slowly, I'm thankful that I have all the support and provision that I need to succeed in reaching my goals so that I can further pursue my dreams. It seems a little silly, but also so fitting, that I have been hearing this children's Sunday school song in my head all throughout this year:
Our God is so BIG!
so STRONG! And so MIGHTY!
there's nothing our God cannot do!
God has been too good to me here; I do not deserve all the blessings of provision: financially, spiritually, emotionally, and socially. But as a friend of mine from Austin reminded me recently, "If God brought you to it, then he can get you through it." While this saying may be a cliche in the Christian community, I am starting to think it just might actually be true. Perhaps this really is the place God wants me to be, in the program he wants me in, for a purpose bigger than my small human dreams can even fathom. And he's so big, strong, and good that he will get me through whatever it is that I must face. And to that I say, "Thank you, Lord, for providing and being all that I need."
